Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.