BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
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I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*