Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
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Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.