If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
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A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.