My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
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Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”