You Might Also Like
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?