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When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
there has never been a better use of this meme
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?