This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
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I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.