My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
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[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em