[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.