Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
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Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.