On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
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“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Selfie