friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
You Might Also Like
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?