A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
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Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.