If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Yup
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Did I do this right
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.