Did I do this right
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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again