me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
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My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Plant care tips
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends