*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.