Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
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People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.