doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
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Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Breaking news:
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”