If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
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There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis