I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Saint West, the patron of selfies
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Me in tagged photos
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting