I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
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ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.