*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
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Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.