I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
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Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.