Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
i smell a pulitzer
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong