Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.