I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy