I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
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Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
is this how new cars are made??
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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