If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
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*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*