H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
It’s the weekend y’all
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.