Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
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Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
normalize having existential bread
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.