ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
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LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.