He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
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My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.