Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
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These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?