Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
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“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.