Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
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I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]