You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
prepare for carbonated trouble
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
shit just got real
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen