T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
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If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
couldn’t resist
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?