[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
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Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.