Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
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Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Can. I. Help. You.
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Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…![]()
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
meow
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So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
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If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.