nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Good advice.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster