Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
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Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
bugs when you lift up a rock
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Does this dress make me look cat?