Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
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Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Hey Fugeddaboutit
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.