Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”