Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
pls suprot
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*praying for world peace*
God:
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!