Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
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[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?