HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
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[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
The opposite of Iceland is water water
I…do not understand how electricity works.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.