It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
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first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
My background check bounced.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
This kid will have a bright future.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Dolls on drugs
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)