It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
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Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.