I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me irl
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Art by Pastelkatto
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence