The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
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me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Seems kinda suspicious
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he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.