The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Jurassic park gets weird
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one